I’ve been thinking about this post for a good long while now and I gotta be honest and say that I have been avoiding it. You see, it feels like I’ve reached a certain place on this journey and I feel as though it needs to be noted or recognized or shared…I’m not sure which of those is true. I’ve been avoiding it because it’s putting me in a vulnerable place and it’s claiming this win fully and completely. It’s a little daunting. Stopping at this point in the journey is kinda like that kitchy little road stop you might see at the side of the road on a long road trip; it looks so inviting and you feel like you just gotta stop and check it out. So, that’s where I’ve been these past few weeks…hanging out in this place and stepping into it and leaning into the feel of it. This “place” is really, this new body that I now have and all it brings me. I began this journey with a very strong feeling that all of the internal growth I had been doing had brought me to a place where I was healing on the inside. I had dealt with many demons, settled several scores (with myself and others), excavated some painful things and placed myself in very uncomfortable situations in order to experience growth. I did all of that. But, I soon came to a place where when I looked in the mirror or saw a picture of myself and the person I saw didn’t even remotely match what I felt inside. It was as though a stranger was looking back at me. It was a complete disconnect and I had a very real sense of something being totally wrong. I had to fix it. I have always tried to fix my body by trying diet after diet. But, what I had never done was to employ patience and search for the reasons behind my weight and sort that through and heal that. It was then, and only then, could I sit and truly look at my weight and my body and begin to heal that too. So, when you see the picture below, know that this transformation is not simply a eight-month process of changing my diet and exercising. It is a culmination of over two years of personal work. I struggled with whether to do a “before and after” shot mainly because I feel so completely passionate about the process of losing weight and all that it is and is not. Showing results or a “big reveal”, while dramatic, can sometimes make it seem so shallow. And, shallow is a word that I would NEVER use to describe this journey.
And so, here I sit feeling as though the person looking back at me in the mirror is no longer a stranger and it is the person I’ve been waiting to embody wholeheartedly and to present to the world. It’s a humbling, uncomfortable yet comfortable, scary, exciting, bizarre place to be. The physical representation of me today IS the person I have been searching for my whole life. I feel as though I have finally come home.
There are so many people, experiences and books and things that have brought me to this point and they still continue to do so. Because, the thing is, I haven’t reached a destination; I’ve simply taken a stop on the road and hopped on in to the road stop. I have had, literally, a team of people in my life who have lifted me up and supported and loved me through this journey. From old and trusted friends to new and generous ones who stood by me and believed in me, professionals who have seen the possibilities in me and walked me through the process with love and honesty and courage,my blog for giving me yet another way to work through the stuff, my blog’s readers for reading my words and hopefully accepting them with the wholehearted intentions that they were given, my kids who have championed me and saw the real me even before I knew she was there and, most of all, my husband who came along for the ride, embraced all the changes and remained a solid and sturdy foundation from which I could fly. I am forever grateful to all of these people. This change would not have been possible without them. I would name names but I have chosen to thank each one of them individually.
And so, it is with this that I present my transformation. It’s not an end-point. I’m still working hard and making daily choices to maintain and improve upon where I am at. I don’t think I will ever get to an end-point; I think that if I have learned anything it is that I can never take anything for granted and I don’t have it all figured out; always, always in process.
I will end with much love and gratitude…
PS-I’d like to include a couple of links in this post of some of the professionals that have helped me along the way. They are all top-notch and I absolutely love them and endorse them 100%!